Faithful I

The pale yellow van pulled into the back parking lot of 'Our Savior' United Methodist church and stopped under the light-shadow cast from a halogen bulb fixed thirty feet up on a light pole. The driver shut the van off and smoke barfed out of the exhaust pipe. The bumper, the grill and both front fenders of the van were a living history of the van and it's driver's lack of talent behind the wheel. Some of the dings and dents had been pounded out. Some hadn't. Where the fenders had been repaired, they were proudly fitted out in primer gray. Where the fender hadn't been repaired, a dusty cancer of rust was spreading out like a spiderweb spun by a defective spider.

Faithful opened the door of the van and slid down out of the drivers seat then landed roughly, putting most of his weight on his left foot. Faithful's right leg was weaker than his left, so he put most of his weight on his left. His limp wasn't noticeable except when he was tired, and then only when he put stress on his weak leg, like when he walked fast or climbed stairs. Faithful had been working on keeping his limp from being noticed for as long as he could remember. Father told him his limp made him look weak, so he did his best to hide it. But now, at night in the parking lot, Faithful knew nobody was watching so he didn't try to hide it. He limped to the back of the van, opened the door, grabbed a pair of ratty coveralls and pulled them on. Faithful zipped up his coveralls, then grabbed a heavy metal box with a stout metal handle and carried it towards the church door.

The front doors of the church were made of some kind of tropical wood, hand carved with crosses and wine glasses.  Faithful guessed it was someone's idea of a bible scene.  The back door was a different story.  It was made of commercial-grade steel and equipped with a heavy-duty lock. Faithful tried the door and found it was open. He knew it would be. Two more trips back and forth from the van to the church and Faithful had everything he needed. Faithful opened the door to the children's day care and started moving all the small chairs and tables to the next room. When the room was clear, he stopped briefly with his hands resting on his hips, turned slowly in a circle to survey the room, then he and measured out a quarter cup of liquid from a white jug into a mop bucket and filled it half full of water in the men's bathroom. Faithful put on a set of headphones and started to mop the floor. He moved in a methodical fashion, making sure he covered the entire surface evenly, even the parts of the floor that were clean. Twice he got down on his hands and knees and scrubbed at a stained area. He took a smoke break outside while he waited for the floor to dry, then he started to apply wax. Forty minutes later, the wax was dry and the child size chairs and tables were back in place. Six more rooms to go.

He opened the door to the office area and turned on the light. The florescent light flickered twice, then lit the room. The humming noise the light made reminded Faithful of the dentists drill when he was a kid. Mother made him go to the dentist when they could afford it, which wasn't often.

The first thing he saw was a picture of a golden retriever on the wall, behind the pastor's desk. The picture was taken in a park or a field with green grass under a blue sky. The pastor wore a clerical looking black shirt while the dog's golden coat reflected a bright, midday sun. It was a great picture. The dog was sitting up, next to the pastor, with his tongue out. The pastor's hand was on the dog's shoulders and both dog and man were smiling at the camera. It reminded Faithful of the dog he saved when he was seven. His field of vision started to narrow, like he was looking through a tube. Faithful tried to reach out a hand to break the fall that was sure to be coming, but it was too late. Faithful hit the ground with a thud. These fits or events or whatever they were happened from time to time and always followed the same pattern. First, Faithful saw an image or heard a sound or smelled a smell that struck a note somewhere in his memory. Then, within a second or two, his vision started to fail, first at the edges, then quickly getting more narrow, until he could just see a spot on the wall. Then he lost all ability to stand or in fact control his arms or legs in any fashion. He fell like he was dead. Last, he had to watch a 'Save'. That is what Faithful called them. A 'Save'. It was like going to the movie house only the movie being shown was a replay out of his memory. Once he started to watch a 'Save' there was nothing he could do except let it play out. He watched the memory replay itself exactly as it happened and he was the main character. Sometimes it took a few minutes to watch the Save, sometimes it took hours. After the replay of the Save was over, he could get up and go about his business, but until he sat through the Save, watching it all, he was just a passenger in his own body.

The last time he had to watch a Save was a couple months ago. That had been embarrassing. He was in the mall shopping for new shoes and he saw a boy walking with a woman, hand in hand. The boy reminded Faithful of his brother Steadfast. His field of vision started to narrow, then he was on the ground watching a Save. He was watching a movie of himself.

Location: Mall floor in front of the pet store window.

Actors: Faithful, age 10, brother Steadfast, age 14, brother Obedient, age 15

Scene: Faithful is in the garage of his childhood home. His brother Steadfast is on the cold, cement floor. Steadfast isn't breathing.

Roll Tape: Faithful finds his brother Steadfast has been shot twice, once in the chest, once in the stomach. Steadfast is laying a a big pool of his own blood. The edges of the pool of blood have started to darken and dry out. Blood covers Steadfast's shirt.

Faithful drops to his knees next to his brother. Blood soaks into his jeans. Faithful starts to cry and his and his hands shake. He tries to perform CPR, just like he had seen in a rerun of 'The X Files'. Faithful doesn't know what he is doing, but he doesn't have any other choice. He applies chest compressions to the wrong place, he breathes into Steadfast's mouth, but doesn't pinch the nose, so the breath never gets into Steadfast's lungs. It just sounds funny coming out of Steadfast's nose.. Faithful cries harder and his hands shake harder. Even though there is no hope, he keeps pushing on Steadfast's chest. And crying.

Steadfast gasps in a big breath. He opens his eyes and says 'Hey Faith, what the fuck are you doing?Quit trying to kiss me and get the fuck off me'. Steadfast looks OK. He tries to sit up, but lays back down and says 'I feel a little dizzy. I need a minute.' Faithful looks up and sees his other brother Obedient standing in the doorway. Obedient just watches Faithful and Steadfast. Obedient smiles just a bit, then turns and walks away. 
Fade out.

When the Save was over and Faithful had regained control of himself, he was surprised to find that the EMT was about to stick a needle in his arm. It looked like he might load him onto a gurney that was nearby. Faithful had to push the EMT away to get him to stop sticking a needle in his arm. Whatever was wrong with Faithful wasn't going to be cured by an EMT with a syringe.

Now, Faithful found himself in the church office, on the floor, looking at a spot on the wall. His vision had narrowed, he fell. He had hit his head on the edge of the desk and he was bleeding. It didn't matter. A new movie of a Save was about to start. He had seen this one before and he didn't like it. He hated himself for what he was about to watch. Watching a Save usually didn't evoke any emotions at all, but this one was different. He was usually just waiting for it to be over when he watched a save, but this time, he was mad. He was furious. He was mad at himself for making that save. He should have walked away. It started.

Location: Church, pastor's office floor, by the desk

Actors: Faithful, age 8, Obedient, age 13

Scene: Faithful is walking home from school alone

Roll Tape: Faithful is carrying a bag of books and a note from his teacher to Mother. Faithful knew that couldn't be good news. His teacher Mrs. Morrison wrote notes to his mother asking her to come in and discuss something he had done wrong. Sometimes it was for not paying attention, sometimes for fighting with the other boys, sometimes it was for staring out the window. It didn't really matter, Faithful knew Mother would go visit the school and then Father would find out and do something about it. That was never pleasant.

Faithful saw his big brother Obedient a few blocks ahead, standing over something in the road. As he kept moving closer, he watched his brother just stand there, staring down at whatever it was in the road. Finally, Obedient looked up and saw him approaching. Obedient dropped a rock he was holding in his hand then backed away a few steps, turned and started walking home. Faithful finally got to the spot where Obedient was standing, and there was a dog, lying in the street. The dog was dead. That was what Obedient was staring at. Next to the dog was the rock that Obedient had dropped. It was bloody with some dog hair on it. Faithful always knew that his brother was a little weird, but now he knew it was more than that. Faithful realized that his older brother Obedient was broken. Obedient's soul was broken and he would never be alright.

Faithful felt he should make up for what his brother did. Somehow. He didn't know how he could help, but he started to think maybe he could move the dog to the side of the road or dig a grave or maybe just make it more comfortable. Faithful knew the dog was dead, but something inside of him thought maybe he could make the dog more comfortable. So he dropped to his knees and started to pet the dog on the head, then jerked his hand back. He could feel the crushed bone and skull. It didn't hurt his hand, but he really didn't like the feel of it. It felt wrong, or broken, like his brother broken. Faithful started to cry, thinking about the way the dog died, but he still wanted to do something, so he pet the dog again. Faithful felt the way the dog's skull was broken, then he made that more comfortable. The bones were all splintered and pushed down into the dog's head, and that felt wrong so he made the pain go away. He noticed that the teeth were broken and the nose was crooked, so he made some pain go away on the dog's nose. Faithful could hear the bones in the nose pop as they snapped back into place.

Faithful felt the dog's legs and one was broken so he pulled it and felt the bone pop back into place. Faithful reached down to the dog's chest. There was a hollowness there. It was missing breath, so he put that back together the way it was suppose to be. Faithful just stared at the dog and cried because of what his brother Obedient had done. A few minutes later, the dog opened his eyes and sat up. The dog looked just like the dog in the picture with the pastor and Faithful knew the Save was over.

Fade out.

Faithful sat up and blinked the blood out of his eyes. He felt terrible. He always did that when he watched that particular Save. Faithful limped into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. “Sonofabitch” was all he said. He washed his forehead clean pressed a paper towel against the small cut until it stopped bleeding.

Faithful looked at his reflection in the mirror and saw the un-shaved face look back at him with tired, brown eyes. His hair was still black except for the few gray hairs at his temples. Faithful didn't care much about the color of his hair. He didn't seem to care about his appearance at all. When he mopped and waxed the children's day care, he was almost fanatical in doing the job properly. He covered every inch with an even coat of wax, but in his own appearance, he spent no effort at all. His hair was uncombed and needed a cut. His shirt and coveralls smelled of sweat. His nails were chewed short and dirty. Faithful just didn't seem to care about himself, but nobody could fault his work. He learned that lesson early. Father taught him to do the job right, or suffer the consequences.

Faithful walked back to the office and cleaned up the blood that had stained the brown carpet when he had fallen. It was still fresh so it came up with just a few shots of stain remover. Faithful blotted up the liquid with some paper towels and threw them into the trashcan next to the desk. He couldn't help but notice that at the bottom of the trashcan was a half eaten sandwich made from white bread. It reminded Faithful of a sandwich his Mother made for him when he was about fifteen. Faithful hit the ground and the movie started

Location: Church, pastor's office floor, by the desk, about two feet from where he lay 10 minutes earlier

Actors: Faithful, age 15

Scene: Faithful's livingroom

Roll Tape: Mother was sitting on the edge of the couch, her knees were tightly locked together, her hands clasped each other and her shoulders shook just a bit as she cried quietly. She didn't make a sound. She just stared at the perfectly clean coffee table in front of her. Faithful watched helplessly younger self walked into the room and asked quietly,

“Mother, are you OK?” She didn't answer right away. “Mother?” She just stared at her hands, seemingly inspecting them for blemish or flaw. She tugged at the skin on the back of her left hand.

“I'm fine.” Mother whispered. Then she breathed deeply, in an effort to stop crying, but the tears still ran down her cheeks.

“What's wrong?”

“Be a dear and help me straighten up.” She wanted Faithful to help clean the room, but there wasn't anything to clean. It was spotless. Mother reached a hand out to straighten the perfectly arranged Good Housekeeping magazines on the coffee table, but she couldn't reach far enough without wincing in pain. Faithful walked over and sat on the floor beside her.

“Mother, what's wrong?” He reached a hand up and rested it on Mother's arm. He immediately felt the pain she felt. He knew what had happened, and he knew why. Her arms were bruised and swollen. Her ribs were cracked on the left side. She had a hard time breathing. Father had decided that the laundry was folded incorrectly and Mother needed a reminder on how to do it properly. So he grabbed her arm then punched her in the ribs. Twice.
Faithful was crying. He tried to make the pain go away. Mother jerked away.

“What did you do?” Mother was in a great deal of pain, but now she was scared too. She was afraid of Faithful.

“Please let me help.” He waited, but she didn't answer. She just stared at him.”I can make it go away.” Mother didn't answer so Faithful touched her ribs and made the broken ribs not broken. He didn't understand it, but he did it anyway. 
 She smiled.  “Have you had lunch? Let's go make a sandwich. OK?”

Fade out

Obedient's Dog Trick

Obedient rode the bus to the animal shelter on his sixteenth birthday by himself. He had never ridden the bus by himself before, so he was a little nervous about it, but it turned out be easy. He had the bus schedule tucked into his coat pocket, with the bus number and departure time for his stop circled carefully in pencil. Standing at the bus stop, Obedient checked the schedule, but didn't have a watch, so he didn't know if the bus was on time or not. The bus was empty, except for a fat lady with a baby and an older man who had a cane propped across his seat, hanging out into the aisle. Obedient had to walk past the man with the cane to get to a seat and he couldn't help bumping the cane. The old man didn't bother to move his cane to make it easier for Obedient to get to a seat. He just watched Obedient struggle around the cane that was sticking out into the aisle. Obedient sat down a couple rows behind the old man and stared at the back of the old man's hairless head. Obedient didn't like the old man.  Obedient thought he would add the old man's name to the list, but since he didn't know his name, he would just put down "Old man on bus".

Obedient walked slowly down the row of rusty gray cages, looking for a dog to take home. He didn't touch the cages and he was careful to walk around the puddles of urine or cleaner or whatever it was that pooled on the smooth cement floor. Obedient was afraid of getting dirty. Father wouldn't like it if he got his clothes dirty. Obedient just walked slowly down the row of cages, stopping in front of some, glancing into others as he passed them by.

Obedient had never owned a dog and he didn't know how to go about choosing a dog, so he just looked, hoping to find one that would suit him. The smell made his nose itch and the non-stop barking gave him a headache, but Obedient didn't care. He wanted a dog and the smell and the noise was a small price to pay. Obedient looked at the dogs and couldn't decide. Father always made the decisions, this was the first time Obedient had ever made a decision by himself and he wasn't very good at it. He was afraid of making the wrong decision, so he didn't make any. He just kept looking. Some of the dogs jumped up on the cage door and barked, some turned in a circle, some sat and stared. Obedient walked up and down the row of cages, slowly at first, then faster. He couldn't choose a dog, there were too many to pick from. The lady showing the dogs was no help. Obedient didn't like her.  He would add her to the list too.

Obedient finally eliminated all the puppies. He didn't want a puppy. Then he eliminated the dogs that jumped and barked. They wouldn't work. The barking didn't seem right. Obedient didn't want a barking dog. He didn't think he could train a barking dog. Obedient wanted to teach the dog a trick, and if it barked, it would ruin the trick.

Obedient had been planning for this day for exactly two years, three months and two days. Obedient had been planning on bringing home his dog ever since he had asked Father if he could have a dog like the one he saw in the road that day as he walked home from school two years, three months and two days ago. Father had, as usual, responded with a slurred non-answer answer.

“Maybe. Maybe when you are old enough”. Father always said that. “Maybe, when you are old enough.” Even when he asked Father to tell him about his Mother, Father never answered directly.

“Not today. Maybe when you are old enough”, but it seemed like he never was old enough since he still didn't know anything about his mother.

But today was different. Obedient was old enough. Obedient was sixteen and that meant he could have a dog.

“How old is old enough?” Obedient had never pushed Father for another answer beyond the standard “Maybe” but he couldn't get that dog out of his mind, the dog lying in the road, not moving, with the back leg pointing in the wrong direction.

“Sixteen” answered Father. “Whatever, just not today.” Father sipped from his bourbon filled coffee cup, staring at Obedient, daring him to ask another question. Father just sipped from his cup and stared at Obedient until Obedient dropped his gaze and stopped asking questions. Father thought the outcome of that short discussion decided, and so did Obedient. They just didn't agree on what that outcome was.

Obedient didn't care if the dog was old or young or big or small. Obedient was looking for a dog that reminded him of the dog in the street. As he walked up and down the row, he had narrowed his choice down to the big brown dog and the old yellow dog. Each reminded him a little of that day when he cried over the dog in street that wouldn't move. The big brown dog or the old gray dog, Obedient just couldn't decide. He was sure he could teach either dog the trick.

The big brown dog looked friendly enough, but was covered with bandages and raw, open sores on his face and shoulder. He was weeping clear fluid and his fur was wet from the fluid. His left ear was mostly missing, his left eye might have been missing, or it might have just been covered up with swollen flesh, Obedient couldn't tell which. The dog looked like he had been dragged under a truck and in fact, he had. The big brown dog didn't move from the corner of his cage, but he just stared at Obedient from his one good eye. Obedient liked the big brown dog immensely. He reminded Obedient of the dog in the street. That made Obedient happy. Obedient just looked at the big brown dog, comparing it to the dog in the street that didn't move. Obedient liked looking at the big brown dog with the scars and the missing ear.

The other dog that Obedient liked was once a beautiful dog with golden fur, but it was so old that it's fur was all gray and white and matted. Where the big brown dog sat in the corner and didn't move due to injury, the old gray dog cowered in the corner in fear. Obedient didn't know anything about dogs, but he could tell that somebody had beat this dog until all it would do was hide in the corner. The old dog didn't move at all, except occasionally it's whole body shivered. Obedient liked the gray dog too. It didn't look anything like the dog in the street, but it stayed perfectly still. Obedient liked that. The dog in the street didn't move either.

He couldn't decide, so he just walked back and forth between the cages, looking at the big brown dog and the old gray dog. The lady who was showing the dogs to Obedient told him that the old gray dog was a better choice since the big brown dog was still in need of medical care. That sealed it for Obedient. He said “I'll take the brown dog. The big one.” Today was his birthday and he was for the first time in his life feeling independent. He wondered what Father would think of that. Maybe when Father saw the dog do the trick, he wouldn't get mad. It seemed to Obedient that Father was always mad.

After Obedient paid the lady for the dog and filled out the registration form, she gave him a bag of dog food and a yellow dog toy with a squeeky noise-maker inside. She grabbed a leash off of the rack and hooked it onto the dog's collar, then handed the other end to Obedient. The dog held his left front foot off the ground and limped after Obedient out the door. Obedient started walking him home to Father's house.

Obedient had read the webesite with the bus rules and knew that he couldn't get the dog on the bus because he wasn't a service dog, so Obedient walked his dog home along the highway. The big brown dog couldn't really walk very well or very fast due to his injury. It was hard work and the dog was getting tired from the hopping. The few cars on the highway were flying by Obedient and his big brown dog, dust was flying up from the cars and sticking to the dog's open wounds. The wounds made the big brown dog look more like the dog in the street. That made Obedient happy.

Obedient had thought about the dog in the street every day for the past two years, three months and two days and he couldn't wait to get his big brown dog home. Obedient's mouth started to salivate. He had to swallow his own spit to keep it from running out of his mouth. Obedient thought about the dog in the street that didn't move and wondered if he could get the big brown dog to lie down in the street and stay still just like that. He knew he could. Obedient was happy, just thinking about it.

Obedient was so happy thinking about the dog in the street that didn't want to wait to get the big brown dog home. He wanted to teach the dog the trick now. For some reason he didn't understand, he had to teach the dog the trick this very instant.

Obedient saw a rock on the side of the road and picked it up. It felt right, about the size of a baseball. Obedient looked at the dog. The big brown dog was tired from hopping for the past mile.  The dog's front leg was so sore he didn't even try to put it on the ground, so he hopped.  His head was hanging low and he was panting. Obedient looked down the road for cars but didn't see any coming. He slowly pulled the big brown dog out into the middle of the street with the leash in one hand, the rock in the other.

Obedient was ever so happy, teaching the dog a trick, teaching him how to lie still in the road. Obedient taught him One-Two-Three times.  Obedient was so happy, he started to cry.  Obedient looked down at the big brown dog, lying perfectly still, not moving a bit.  He stood there for a long time, staring at the beautiful dog.  He loved his dog ever so much.  He loved him because it did the trick so well.  He loved him because he was such a good dog.

Then Obedient had a thought that terrified him so much he almost died.  Obedient looked up from the big brown dog and started to walk, then began to run as the thought consumed him.  His breath came in gasps as he ran back towards the shelter, afraid somebody else might get the old gray dog before he got there.

Maybe he could get the gray dog home to show Father the trick. Obedient was sure he could teach the old gray dog the trick.  Father would be so happy.